If you're like me Christmas has a specific feel to it that often hits on Christmas Eve ... it really must be what it's like to be in the eye of a big storm.
There's been all this buildup and finally, at last, here we are ... the momentum toward the main event is now right before us. Nothing can stop it, but here's an all too brief respite ... likely no more than a few hours, max.
At Christmas, the excitement and rush of it has worn off like any other high. It's usually around this time of day. The world has fallen quiet, as if enveloped in a snowfall.
Sometimes you can get introspective about this time. It should be a joyous occasion but instead it can feel joyless, maybe a little artificial, and in that horrible moment, despair pulls at you.
I feel like that a little right now. Technically, it's Election Day 2020.
But there hasn't been a joyful buildup to this day as if it were a celebrated American Holiday. Nope, it's been a grind, a literal death march for closing in on a quarter-million of us. Lies, cheating, deceit, banality, selling out to (not even!) the highest bidder(s) ... encouraging and feeding trolls. Sleeping with the enemies. And now a deadly disease. That's the "pre-game" before Election Day 2020.
So now it's here, and I was one of the 100 million who already voted. About 130 million total voted four years ago. Apparently on the way to record turnout, not including the untold number who will be disenfranchised by the efforts of the GOP through degrading the USPS, eliminating polling sites, throwing people off voting rolls, gerrymandering, intimidation ...
Christmas: Happy, excited buildup.
Election Day 2020: Almost four years of dread; pestilence; famine ... that's the buildup.
And now we're in the "wait for it" part of the proceedings.
So when we ultimately theoretically fall into an unreliable slumber tonight, what will we wake up to?
That question makes me not want to sleep.
***
For a lot of today (yesterday) I felt cautiously optimistic. But I also remember that I don't bet on sports teams I like. Because subjectivity hurts your objectivity. It's much harder to keep a clear head when you have an emotional attachment to something.
This is why you haven't thrown out that Penn State sweatshirt.
But still: The polling looks good. The numbers have been steady, and they say the same thing -- it's gonna be a blue wave today.
Yeah, like they said four years ago.
***
It's like we're all passengers in a car piloted by a drunk driver. Death is one possible outcome. Being terrified is guaranteed.
***
After that guilty, thirsty liaison with hope I waded through typical WFH problems as the evening unfolded.
I hate the time change, despite that cheat-code extra hour on Day 1, because at 4 p.m. you're in darkness. It just pounces.
You find yourself restless ... needing to do certain things but unfocused, barely together at all ... what should take 2 minutes takes 5; what should take 25 minutes takes 2 hours ... and everything could be impossible so does it even matter where to start?
I worked out for 20 minutes. Checked in on work. Washed the dishes. Checked in. Let the dogs out. Checked in.
Just bouncing from task to task ... running, really. Do not let your mind sit with the heavy weight of this moment, now 29 minutes nearer to ... what?
What?
***
I've been lucky to live in this time, because there are some things that to me seem immortal, and I experienced life alongside these histories, good and bad ...
But the Trump years have been too much. We are corroded from where we were. We are not better. We are hateful, divided, and some people are scary stupid. We need it to be over.
