Christmas 2020

So it's just weird this year. No one's going to miss 2020.

In Boston there is a rainstorm, high winds, and temperatures near 60. That's incomprehensible except in the context of (lol) everything else this year.

The sabotage of the USPS means a lot of gifts didn't make it on time. I'm still waiting. I feel for parents having to deal with this. I feel for people worried about making ends meet. I'm luckier than a lot of people, even though I have actually already spent roughly an hour doing work duties. 

Sigh.

The holidays are notoriously difficult for people anyway; it's easy to get blue. Last night the streets were eerily quiet. Stores are closed, but no one is traveling ... at times like this, the noise abates and that "monkey brain" can get to prattling. You can only outrun your thoughts for so long.

So most won't see family this year, which is sad. And many think of the family they'll never see. Christmas in America is a memory factory. It's a conditioned response.

My mother loved Christmas. She went all-out for it every year. Decorating the house. Special dishes just for the season. Insane amounts of gifts. She was born in rural poverty in the 30s so when she got to a stage in life where she could blow it out, she did. It was charming and came from the right place.

My dad was probably even more disadvantaged as a child. He didn't respond to that the same way as my mom. An interesting psychological study no doubt.

My brother, once we grew up and branched out, we grew apart. I have great Christmas memories spent with him, because when we were kids at some point it became an annual tradition to fly to Michigan on or around Christmas Day to spend a week visiting my late crazy aunt. Those trips in a lot of ways became the best Christmas gift of all because of the amazing adventures we had experiencing a week of winter activities in a foreign land.

An example: ice skating on a frozen pond, followed by a trip to a cider mill. Exquisite.

All memories now, though. Those people are almost all gone. So it's natural to be a wee bit wistful about it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad today. Wistful is indeed the right word. I've been not only blessed to have those memories but blessed to have new ones... it's literally all (or at least mostly) good ...

One of my favorite Christmas songs ... and the tears are now falling as I look at the lyrics ... is "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" ...

"Through the years we all will be together

If the fates allow

So hang a shining star upon the highest bough

And have yourself a merry little Christmas now"

No one really knows where our lost people go, or if they go anywhere at all. But today let them all be together in your mind, and in your heart. That's the real gift.

12:18 am EST 3 Nov 2020

If you're like me Christmas has a specific feel to it that often hits on Christmas Eve ... it really must be what it's like to be in the eye of a big storm.

There's been all this buildup and finally, at last, here we are ... the momentum toward the main event is now right before us. Nothing can stop it, but here's an all too brief respite ... likely no more than a few hours, max. 

At Christmas, the excitement and rush of it has worn off like any other high. It's usually around this time of day. The world has fallen quiet, as if enveloped in a snowfall. 

Sometimes you can get introspective about this time. It should be a joyous occasion but instead it can feel joyless, maybe a little artificial, and in that horrible moment, despair pulls at you.

I feel like that a little right now. Technically, it's Election Day 2020. 

But there hasn't been a joyful buildup to this day as if it were a celebrated American Holiday. Nope, it's been a grind, a literal death march for closing in on a quarter-million of us. Lies, cheating, deceit, banality, selling out to (not even!) the highest bidder(s) ... encouraging and feeding trolls. Sleeping with the enemies. And now a deadly disease. That's the "pre-game" before Election Day 2020.

So now it's here, and I was one of the 100 million who already voted. About 130 million total voted four years ago. Apparently on the way to record turnout, not including the untold number who will be disenfranchised by the efforts of the GOP through degrading the USPS, eliminating polling sites, throwing people off voting rolls, gerrymandering, intimidation ...

Christmas: Happy, excited buildup.

Election Day 2020: Almost four years of dread; pestilence; famine ... that's the buildup.

And now we're in the "wait for it" part of the proceedings.

So when we ultimately theoretically fall into an unreliable slumber tonight, what will we wake up to?

That question makes me not want to sleep.

***

For a lot of today (yesterday) I felt cautiously optimistic. But I also remember that I don't bet on sports teams I like. Because subjectivity hurts your objectivity. It's much harder to keep a clear head when you have an emotional attachment to something. 

This is why you haven't thrown out that Penn State sweatshirt.

But still: The polling looks good. The numbers have been steady, and they say the same thing -- it's gonna be a blue wave today.

Yeah, like they said four years ago.

***

It's like we're all passengers in a car piloted by a drunk driver. Death is one possible outcome. Being terrified is guaranteed.

***

After that guilty, thirsty liaison with hope I waded through typical WFH problems as the evening unfolded. 

I hate the time change, despite that cheat-code extra hour on Day 1, because at 4 p.m. you're in darkness. It just pounces. 

You find yourself restless ... needing to do certain things but unfocused, barely together at all ... what should take 2 minutes takes 5; what should take 25 minutes takes 2 hours ... and everything could be impossible so does it even matter where to start?

I worked out for 20 minutes. Checked in on work. Washed the dishes. Checked in. Let the dogs out. Checked in.

Just bouncing from task to task ... running, really. Do not let your mind sit with the heavy weight of this moment, now 29 minutes nearer to ... what?

What?

***

I've been lucky to live in this time, because there are some things that to me seem immortal, and I experienced life alongside these histories, good and bad ... 

But the Trump years have been too much. We are corroded from where we were. We are not better. We are hateful, divided, and some people are scary stupid. We need it to be over.