I'm big in Japan

So my other blog is neglected, but I had an idea for something that didn't really fit here so I checked in.

Apparently, I'm big in Japan. As in, hundreds to thousands of pageviews.

Thanks, Japan. Even though I'm about 99.98 percent sure that blog is being used in some nefarious way. Hey, NSA, it's not me! xoxox and all!

I've got a freelance writing gig coming up again. HORRAY! (Inside joke, that.) But I don't write as much. I'm so behind on things. I've got a stack of books I want to read, and I just can't get to them. I see my life racing past but I don't want to be an observer, I want to be a participant. It's just one of those periods, I guess. Or rather, I hope.

The fire

The City of Boston lost two firefighters Wednesday evening.

A winter that has been brutal and unrelenting spat one last blast at the state Wednesday. The worst snow hit Nantucket, which got more than 9 inches worth, and wind gusts up to 83 mph. Most of the snow stayed offshore.

But the wind slashed across the state. That wind served as gasoline for a Back Bay fire in a brownstone two homes down from Tom Brady's place.

We drove right by it just a few hours before it ignited. Investigators are still looking for a cause. The blaze jumped from relatively routine to the max 9 alarms very swiftly. It raged for hours, whipped by those hellion winds, and stealing 33-year-old Eddie Walsh and 43-year-old father of three Michael Kennedy.

A Walsh and a Kennedy. How Boston.

Fires have ravaged this city from time to time. Part of the roads I drive several times a week are built on the bones of detritus from fires that were pushed into piles as landfill.

Boston knows tragedy -- we're getting ready to remember one in just a few weeks. Walsh was going to participate in the 2014 Marathon.

Out of that "fire" emerged a slogan: Boston Strong. This city has an iron will; it's people are tough. I think the phrase "tough love" must have come from Boston. A co-worker recently laughingly pointed out that "We eat your Southern Hospitality for breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert."

I don't know what causes the iciness here... tradition? The winters? Old-world mores? 400 years of "going it alone?" Is it an Irish thing? It's not the best quality to have. People are disrespectful of one another and their surroundings. People wantonly throw trash in the streets. They drive stupidly at best and selfishly at worst. They don't understand personal space. They aren't always neighborly.

This isn't true ALL the time, but it's probably true most of the time.

What's interesting is that every now and then, however, humanity wins. Unfortunately, this happens after tragedies. I've seen it after the Marathon bombings, weather-related hardships, and some horrific local crimes like the Puppy Doe case, the Amy Lord murder, the Colleen Ritzer murder, and now this fire.

In the aftermath of those things, people make eye contact, they hold the door open for people, they let people cut into traffic, they start makeshift memorials, they donate blood or time or money or more or all of the above.

A lot of talk these days is about how there are "takers" in society and that these people are just welfare cheats and layabouts who contribute nothing to the common good. To which I say: Yep. Some people suck.

But it's very unlikely we're ever going to be able to eliminate these parasites from our lives. There's a deadbeat enclave near South Station that I see a few times a week. One woman I call "Cryface." She looks sad and convincingly upset about her plight.

Yet I see her with different clothes and outerwear. And she recently had her hair colored. And she makes enough to buy cigarettes. And she and others carry the same sign: "I need $32 to get back home."

I mean... in all this time, surely she's raised $32? I feel like giving her $32 and saying "I never wanna see you out here again."

Tangent, sort of.

I believe she's chosen this perch as her job. I think she might be one of those "takers" and it pisses me off more than it makes me sad about the actual homeless people I've seen sleeping on cold benches near the Federal Building.

These people are in every city. I hope they manage to achieve a better life. I've given food (not money) to these people. You can't really buy cigarettes or booze with a cheeseburger, so that's my best solution.

How does this relate to two lost firefighters?

Mean people... BAD people... "takers"... EBT cheats/welfare fraudsters... Bernie Madoff-style corporatists and thieves... it's a shitty world in a lot of ways. This contributes to the "Fuck you I'm getting mine" mentality that in micro relief is some asshat cutting into traffic while everyone else has waited in line.

The only way to win is to not become that. Fight it if you want, and win when you can, but don't think for a minute that they're going away. Just say "God bless" and let them on their empty way.

In moments of tragedy this city softens just a bit. People think about the fact that two brave guys ran into a burning building when ordinary folks ran from it. And then they never went home, and people are confronted with their mortality a bit, and they think "Geez, those poe-ah bass-tahds..." and they are distracted from their self-centeredness ever so briefly.

It's not a weakness to care about other people.

So I want to remember "Eddie" and "Mikey," two guys who put EVERYONE else ahead of themselves. My grandfather and an uncle were firefighters and I never had the guts to do something as noble as they did or anyone who ever donned that gear has done. We're lucky to have people who care so much about other people. That's Boston Strong, or Watertown Strong, or Strong wherever they are. We can't all fight fires, but we can all work on showing the kind of human compassion and caring these guys gave their lives for.

Worn

This winter has taken it out of me. And it ain't over.

It's going into the teens overnight three of the next four nights. May be record lows. And a snow is expected, of undetermined severity but guess are all over the map, for Tuesday night into Wednesday.

Honestly, I'm kind of sick of it.

I guess this is just a low ebb, but it's all kind of wearing on me. I've never in my life had to go through one of these and I'm just fucking over it.

Party of One

Snow No. 15 today. It's pretty and will push us toward 60 inches officially on the year, although the number is surely higher since we're a little inland. The official measurement is at Logan, which is right on the sea and totals generally change pretty quickly as you move away from the coast.

I don't know if we'll have many snows left. Despite the hassle sometimes, I really love the snow.

And despite yesterday's ranty post, I don't want to give the wrong impression... things are good. My life is good.

Of course there are things that could use improvement. I really want to lose weight and be healthier and more physically appealing. I guess that's shallow. Oh well.

Ferris was right... things move pretty quickly. I don't want to miss any more than I have to. And that's the bummer, we DO miss things. We CANNOT have it all. There isn't enough time. I want to see the world, I want to be better at life in all facets... fact is we're all going to have to cut some corners every now and then. That's hard maybe to accept but I believe it.

I'm not calling this a "bucket list" because I think that's a totally fabricated concept. But, there are some  things I want to do. But, I also think that I won't complete this mission. The first one is just to see the amazing sights in the world, and I just don't think there's enough time. When I read "Into Thin Air" I couldn't believe the hacks that basically paid Sherpas to haul their asses to the top of Everest. "I climbed Everest!"

No, fuckheads, you didn't. You didn't spend years learning how to mountaineer, you spent money to achieve a faux "accomplishment."

I'm never going to be like that. I've earned my scars, paid for them in tears, and they're real. And they're spectacular.

It's been almost 16 months in Boston now. I'm only recently starting to feel like it's "home." It's still so foreign in so many ways, and what's been harder to acclimate is the fact that the people are a bit aloof and reluctant to bring you into their circles here. It's hard to fit in, and a lot of the "natural" social circles aren't available to me. I don't participate in a religious setting, a school setting, anything like that.

My only real options are neighbors (they kind of suck), work (always dicey, for all the usual reasons, plus here co-workers don't even sometimes live in the same state) or people I meet randomly. Except here if you start a random convo with someone they eye you with suspicion. No, dude, I'm not trying to pick you up. No, toots, I ain't hitting on you.

But I think in the last couple of weeks I've kind of adjusted my thinking on this. If people aren't welcoming me into their world, I'm going to throw a party of one. Not to get all Stuart Smalley, but I feel like I'm a good enough person to be worthy of friendship. Some people pay lip service to that; I don't.

So, you know, if you want to be my friend, let's hang. If not, that's cool too, because I've got M, I've got the hounds... and I have ME.

So the next time someone tells me to go fuck myself, I should take that as a compliment, right?

Write said Fred

You may not know this, but once upon a time I got paid to write little stories. I wrote a lot of them. Usually several a week.

And they actually got published! Really. I've got boxes of clippings to prove it. Even though over time I've pitched probably 75 percent of that stuff.

I wrote some columns, but most of the stuff that got published was not personal at all. To this day, even here, I have to make myself let go. I tend to try and write things from as detached a position as possible. It's not really that easy to open those doors.

Today and two days ago, I got some things published here. It's my first byline in a big paper in a long time. In the 90s I was in three big newspapers; it's been a while since I had a quality placement.

It feels good. I really wanted to do a great job, even though these are small pieces and will be quickly forgotten. But not by me.

I thought I had left newspapers for good in 2000. I had a chance to take a dream job in a dream location, and I was smart enough to know that the business was struggling and that things were going to get worse. The timing was pretty good.

A few years later, though, I had the chance to jump back into journalism. It was with a lot of quality people who I had worked with before, and an exciting venture that held so much promise.

For the next six months, we had a ton of fun producing a clever publication that without some underhanded shit from our competition, could have been truly epic. Instead, for reasons I think still haven't been fully explained, we had to shut it down.

At the time it seemed like a complete disaster for me and 25 others. That was going to be my second farewell to journalism. But it turned out OK. I wound up going back to school and completing my degree.

And, setting up my third farewell to journalism. What made going back to school possible was taking a job at a third-rate newspaper near the university. There were some nice people there, and a handful of lifelong friends to meet. But in general, the place was populated with dead-enders, suck-ups, and hacks. Most of them in management roles.

Nepotism. Favoritism. Sexism. These were just some of the entrenched "isms" there, and overcoming them was difficult. Some people were allowed to screw up over and over. Some were allowed to be lazy. Some were allowed to be routinely incompetent.

And as I would discover, the office politicians had the best shot at longevity. Boat-rockers were shit-listed.

It was probably inevitable that it would go bad. It was almost five years ago now, that day when 16 heads got lopped off. It was no surprise that many in this jettisoned group would have one thing in common: We valued the quality of the product more than we valued kissing ass.

Most people lament things that happen in the workplace. Dilbert, The Office, Office Space... workplace bullshit is so commonplace that everyone can relate.

Some of the people let go that day have gone on to much bigger and much better. Although one of the leftovers, we would learn, told the frightened remainder that they had been retained because they "were the best of the best."

Some of them were really good. But the day of the lopping, they slashed two of the best at their jobs they had. And another who went on to a successful career at one of the region's biggest employers. And another who got a graduate degree and now makes globally recognized films. And another whose axing sparked a community outcry that got him re-hired quickly. And me.

"Best of the best." Fuck you, John, you coward.

Anyway. Now I work someplace great with amazing professional co-workers. They treat one another with respect. It feels incredible. I used to hate going to work. Now I look forward to it. The days fly by. We have fun, we do a great job.

And I get to be part of it.

More lil bit o this, lil bit o that

Life seems to be moving so quickly now...

M and I have both been swamped. I consider myself fairly proficient at time management, so although I could probably do even better, I feel like I have time scheduled fairly well. Wish I had more of it.

Random thoughts:

I've been thinking of places I've been lately. Wistfully? Not so sure, but I have appreciated them. And the good thing about memory is that I can appreciate them again. A few things that have been in my head include, of course, Redondo. I loved it there. The job interview there in 2012 was cool. It was a great place to live and maybe some day... Fayetteville, I now have memories of this place at two very different times in my life. There were different places. That's kind of odd, I wonder if Redondo will wind up the same?

I also have been reflecting on some of my oldest friends. Ricky, I miss you. Dale, you too. Becky... Happy Birthday, wherever you are...

Moose has been sick. He's epileptic and had a very rough couple of days. I know he's just a dog, but if you have a dog... they aren't just dogs. I probably owe Harrell an apology, because I was kind of not very nice to him about his dog.

Which kind of leads to the real reason I wanted to sit down and punch out a few thoughts...

I'm a cynic and a wise-ass. It's easy to be snarky, because most of us share common views about the worst parts of the human condition.

I had a really awful end of my work week a while back. The day was filled with stupid stuff; institutional things that are unlikely to change. But I didn't handle it as well as I should have and spent the next few days rehashing things. I determined that when I went back to work, I would make sure and understand that some things simply lend themselves to frustration. You've probably heard this before: Control what you can, and that starts with your attitude.

I made up my mind to let the stuff roll off my back, do as good a job as I could possibly do, and if a frustrating situation came up, I vowed to handle it with grace.

It worked.

All of it.

When the institutional problem surfaced again, I understood it, and realized the best approach was not to ratchet up my own anxiety. And it played out without difficulty. In fact, people around me were starting to melt down a little, and instead of falling in with them, I tried to alleviate their stress and make the situation better.

It felt great -- not just to be able to be a positive part of it, but in not letting my own head get cluttered.

This isn't my strong suit. I'm one of those "wear the heart on the sleeve" types. Being passionate is great up to the point that it clouds your big picture.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to maintain this level head, but the good feeling it created for me is something I am trying to replicate.

Where have you been?

Oh wait, that was me...

Quick hits:

* Snow No. 8 was last night. It wasn't as bad as expected and not as intense as Nos. 4 and 6. But it's damned cold now. So of course, today we ran out of heating oil.
* One of the biggest challenges in life is to let douchery go by without losing it. This is a difficult thing for me. There have been three significantly douchey things this week; I've handled them but not as well as I could.
* I really need to visit here more often. But I've just been dog-tired lately. I think cumulatively, the night schedule has converted me to trending toward trying to sleep in, which isn't fair to M and isn't really doable anyway because of the damn dogs. My sleep is erratic, I'm not eating as smartly as I should, the winter has made me sluggish, I don't exercise as much as I need to. If just one of these things were a problem, no problem. Combining them is not optimal. I gotta work on it.
* I haven't even updated on French Cottage, the holidays, the guy I saw on the train last week... man.

It's so flipping cold right now. The temperature gauge in the house is below 50. It's going to be a challenging night.

I'm watching the Hogs online, and when that's over, I'm going to go bury myself under dogs and blankets.

Better days ahead, then.